Substitution
by a18sidnere
Summary: Angels&Demons AU. Solo is angel, Illya is demon.


Strained silence with vacuous phrases was broken by the simultaneous reports of guns.

The American's bullet entered the stomach of Russian, the Russian's bullet entered the forehead of American exactly. The hazel jacket quickly got wet with the blood. Scarlet streams spilled on forehead and slicked black hair.

But both agents, who were wounded to death, didn't fall on the floor even.

There was a minute of shocked looks at each other. Then Solo began to laugh nervously, and Illya - with extremely serious and grim expression on his face – dropped into a chair.

* * *

The United States of America is the Christian "City upon a Hill", the God-fearing bastion of liberty, hope and security for humanity. They swear on the Bible, they celebrate Easter and Christmas; they go to church every week. American men are zealous, brave, and clever. American women are modest, good mothers and exemplary housewives, who think that a comfort of their husbands is bread-and-butter issue. In the USA you never can see the unhappy, the poor or the hungry.

The Soviet Union is the land of Lucifer, the atheistic and scientific evil empire, the prison of nations. There are red satanic pentagrams everywhere and flags are red like hellfire too. The government breaks people and break all the sacred relations of them, they want to equalize males and females, the rich and the poor, the wise and the fool, the hardworking men and the lazy men. Soviet people do not know the covenants of Christ: they laugh at religion and believe that everything is in man's hands. In the Soviet Union you never can see a freedom, creativity, a beauty and simple human feelings and joy.

USA is guarded by the heavenly host, angels in the human guise. USSR submits to hordes of demons.

But the world is difficult.

There are "atypical personalities" too. They are found among the angels of the blessed West, and among the demons, who help keep of Eastern Europe under the cloven hooves of Satan.

* * *

Each feather on Solo's wings was stowed as perfect as his hair. Nimbus was shining like a chandelier in a banquet hall, and skin of "American" looked even whiter, and his eyes shimmered with pure azure. And, of course, with a sneer.

 _Such idiotic situation._

Kuryakin thought glumly. He wasn't going to take his true form, only cleaned the blood from his jacket. Therefore, the messenger of the God could see still the same tall, straight like a bayonet, and unshaven Russian guy with clear and bright eyes. Of course, he was scary in his own way, but nobody can guess his real demonic nature. Even Illya's eyes were usual, without vertical pupils.

"Well, what's your real name? Can you show your horns at least?" Solo smirked.

"Thanks, I'm good anyway" Illya hissed through clenched teeth.

"Solo" laughed loudly again: "Illya" resembles an exemplary demon less than he resembles a decent warrior of Heaven himself. However, there is the appearance and manners of "maximum security monastery's employee" all men have, which live beyond the Wall. No matter, how well they versed in fashion and other pleasantries of life - in fact, they can't enjoy it.

 _Why did Lucifer and his company need to transform entire Russia into solid Solovki? I can only guess. Probably, they did it through their eternal disposition to a mockery and mischief._

"Why did you involve in this affair?"

"Like you did it. The mission is too important for mortals' work. They shift hands of the Doomsday Clock with a strange rapture, but we don't plan the Armageddon . Not in this or next millennium, in any case".

"Undoubtedly" Solo grinned "After all, your game will be over. It is so ironical. The mortal sincerely believe that you are interested in it".

"But only they are doing everything for an approach it. While we and you have to take the consequences" Illya muttered angrily and leaned back in the chair. "This cursed disk must be  
destroy".

"Is it your real purpose?"

"Why are always you ask then you perfectly know answers yourself?"

The angel shrugged.

"I know nothing of you. But you're the kind of guy… An original. Honestly speaking, I immediately felt that you are unusual. But I decided you're one of us, just have an excellent camouflage. Now Russia is inhospitable for us. And you are very unlike a devil with your a directness and even naïve… and your timid attitude towards ladies, surely".

 _But especially with your uncanny ability to resemble an innocent child. Even if I have seen your fierce snoot._

This strange inner light, which is so unlike sparks of the hellish red flame, gives a hope of a redemption for this rare creature. This is very rare occurrence too - and often it is extremely painful for the rescue, but...

In reality, Solo was not only one of the most unusual, but also one of the most unlucky angels. His CIA agent's career was perfect but there's nothing to be proud for the "principal activity".

But if he will able to return one demon to Heaven...

Illya, who didn't know that somebody was making truly "Napoleonic plans" for his humble person, spread his legs, which almost filled half of the room.

"Yes, but you are not the ideal too, Co ..." he stopped in the middle of a sentence.

Cowboy and Peril - who had the opportunity to change something - died five minutes ago. And it's irretrievable. And somehow, it's sad.

The young daemon finishes his reasoning nevertheless.

"You kill, steal, gluttonize. You are a womanizer. And even…

"All of it is for the secrecy, my red - in every sense of the word – friend. You may think I like to do it. But I must play my role... although, the "Chianti" and risotto with truffles is still glorious invention of mankind. But why am I talking about it to you? I suspect the half of the KGB personnel has red wings".

"Most everybody. And many members of the government too. My father was one of those, who made the most of all for the conversion of "Holy Russia" into the "Evil empire". It is incredible but Lucifer never been in Moscow and Russia until 1929! Russia was an impregnable fortress for us, "the abode of God," and now it is our stronghold".

"So he was punished only in eyes of the people? You make yourself comfortable!

"The best way to give some land to us - to convince its people that we do not exist" young demon shrugged phlegmatically.

Illya didn't want to say to this cute little angel that in his childhood he guessed himself usual boy and his suffering was not for show. Father planned to make his angrier.

Solo tilted his head to one side. It seems like he was sorry for Cowboy and Peril a little. Alas, but this subject is closed.

"Want to drink? At parting?"

"We must get rid of the disk".

"Oh, it's not a hindrance. And I prefer not to smoke in the room – sorry, but I like return things in its original form. You can not understand. Are we going?

"Turn out your chandelier for a start".

They have time to burn the film, but the mortal with their damned free will frustrated all plans again. Waverly's words about new common mission made the angel and demon to grit their teeth. Mentally, of course.

It's normal, if Illya didn't know the thought of Solo's boss. But he could not understand logic his own instructor and chief. "Oleg" must know that angels and demons aren't the best companions. That is true and if they are "non-standard". Especially, if they are "non-standard".

"Do you contemplate my ass for the secrecy too?" Illya hissed quietly, when they had been along.

"Looking for your tail. Does it tickle you, by the way?"

Illya turned to him with the same expression on his face like it was in the boutique during a dispute about the Rabanne belt.

"No, it isn't. And you started paw me in your mind a much earlier. Don't forget I can smell the aroma of sins perfectly".

"Oh, and what's wrong with it?" Solo winked. "Are you the demon, aren't you? Why do you pose yourself as the bride of Christ?"

Kuryakin had wanted very badly to slap Solo's face, but restrained himself. From now on it will burn him. The mischievous angel can't touch Illya without his consent too, though.

 _What kind of plan does he have? Does he hope to lure demon into the Paradise? There is the Love, which can rise sinner up to Heaven, ha! It would be possible to believe… if there isn't leaden small ball between my floating ribs. I must keep it as a souvenir._

"I'm sorry it is not for you. You may hope, of course. But it will be possible if only your pious " City upon a Hill " would be Sodom and Gomorrah with same-sex marriages and Russia could hear a church chime. And all of it is out of the question."

"Is it the bet, my red friend?"

* * *

Moscow,  
Gloomy cellars of the Lubyanka

Oleg, who had heard this youthful nonsense through a magic mirror, smiled. He dusted off the speck from his horns, pushed the dish with a half-eaten dissident and clinked glasses with his own reflection. A beaker was filled with blood of East German virgins.

His boys always are the best.

And it's unimportant they are demons or mortal men.

They always can come through any barrier and take any soul. Even if they don't know about it or don't want it. This is an instinct now.

 _Does the little angel think that he is director of this "romantic movie"? It's too charming!_

The mission of "Moral decay of the Western World" has been forging ahead recently. The project "Sexual revolution" started on well too. Every revolution is a chance for the Underworld.

It is very likely that they'll have to sacrifice the Soviet Union like a chessman, but the eventual prize will compensate for losses…

* * *

 **Notes:**

Solovki is the popular name of the Solovetsky Islands (North of European part of Russia) which very famous for local monastery and Soviet prison camp.

The Lubyanka is the popular name for the headquarters of the KGB and affiliated prison on Lubyanka Square in Moscow.

In 1929 the League of Militant Atheists was founded in USSR. There was also a congress in Moscow, which was support by the Soviet government and intelligentsia.

This is a satire. Take it easy, please.  
And sorry for my English!


End file.
